Friday, April 26, 2013

One of those awkward moments

I just had one of those experiences when people in the room are saying, "White people are always.... You know, they're white so..... Why do they (white people) do that thing.....?"

The thing is, I'm Anglo. So it was a little odd. Due to my education and penchant for reading, I am aware of white privilege as something I get to walk around in like a protective shield or mobile force field. I am reading The New Jim Crow and I get so angry and discouraged at the same time that I can only read short sections before I need a break. I am not saying this to make myself out some kind of saint, or someone who deeply understands what it means to be Black in the USA. This is not about me wanting to take on some hip hop identity or co-opt Black culture....or save anybody.

Since I am just as culpable, take for instance what I think of white boys listening to misogynistic rap with the bass amp making the car bounce and sounding echoes off the houses on the road.... To visit that judgment for a moment, they could've picked country music, plenty of patriarchy and non-feminist texts there, so why the rap industrial complex? Maybe it speaks to something that they need, besides the overt wealth and hyper masculinity.

I just don't think we are going to get anywhere--from any 'side'--if we talk about those (identifier) people instead of meeting up with a person who has all sorts of complexity, including the construct of race. Or age, or immigration status, or gender, or sexual orientation, or weight, or education, or class, and so on. This is not some new mega-idea of course, but each of us can take ideas in our lives when they become needed and give them substance by pulling them into praxis.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Before you read the words below, which I wrote in December, I want anyone who reads this to know that my family and friends have been incredibly helpful, above and beyond what I have ever done for anyone else, so this is in no way a criticism of anyone in my circle of family and friends.

Unemployment and the Safety Net

As of July 1 I became one of the unemployed, but I don't know if I am even one of the statistics because my work was not for one of the companies or organizations that provides for unemployment insurance. How does anyone know to count me?

I was aware that the change was coming and had been looking for a new job, albeit with the constraints of spending time preparing for the transition at my current position and having spring/summer yard and garden tasks at home. My first withdrawal from some retirement savings to get me through the first few months was less than I anticipated due to some rules about the account...and it turned out that it was only going to be a loan which I immediately had to begin repaying. "Well,"I thought, "then I'll get some freelance work to supplement," except that the first option didn't pan out and the second didn't have the demand for which I hoped.

I immediately purchased a "bridge plan" for health insurance which didn't cover any pre-existing conditions, but would provide major medical coverage. This meant I began paying full price for my two prescriptions and stayed away from the clinic because anything covered under that three months would then be excluded if I bought another three-month policy. Luckily I was healthy and didn't fall from any ladders. I also continued to carry insurance on my car and my home because it seemed like the right thing to do, even though I wasn't earning any money.

You might ask where my emergency savings (not from retirement, which carries an early withdrawal penalty) were? Single, homeowner, non-profit employment, paying higher portion of health insurance and medical expenses, my car died a few years before I thought it would and I needed a reliable replacement...enough said!

Being optimistic at the beginning of the job search, having gotten affirmation from a career counselor, I didn't think to apply for assistance from my county or state because it wouldn't be long before I was back to work. It turns out I was wrong. In the fall I applied for SNAP (food stamps) and Medical Assistance and they have been life-savers. I receive $200 a month for food and have my medical and dental paid for 100%. It's great to not have those prescriptions come in around $100 each month with no income.

Now I'm ready to see if there's anything else the government can provide since it's December and it seems there are fewer positions I qualify for on the job posting site. Wait a minute, some might say. How about selling that expensive house and moving in with family or friends? Due to the timing of my need for a home, this house cost me more than I can sell it for and I don't know where I'd get the thousands to pay off the mortgage. I have listed a room for rent via an agency that screens potential renters, with no success so far. (In March I did receive energy assistance to pay for my winter heating bills, after applying in early December.)

Why rely on the government (aka taxpayers) when you have family and friends?! I have gotten some assistance from family and friends with some household supplies (which are not covered by SNAP). Meanwhile, I have noticed that some of my friends or family members continue to pay college tuition for their offspring, take international vacations, make home improvements, buy new electronics...and pay the taxes that provide the safety net I need right now. Replacing the income from a full-time, mid-level management job isn't easy.

Would you suggest they forego some of the luxuries and give the money to me instead? That this is how our country should operate? That this mutual support is not a part of the deep values of the U.S. is evidenced by the following: private property (including yards) that can be posted "no trespassing," the right to bear arms being closely tied to the right to protect one's home (a recent shooting of two teens breaking in to a home in MN as evidence), most churches teach tithing (giving 10%) but average closer between 1 and 2% of members' incomes--even a spiritual claim can't overcome the sense that what is mine is mine alone.

And yet, hurricanes, floods, fires and tornados engender outpourings of generosity...for a time. Perhaps we can sustain giving for a moment or an acute crisis, but not for the less visible chronic crises. Since 2008 unemployment has been dire and yet there are no huge public fund raisers nor mobilizations of support. That's why we need a civic, neutral, accessible,  non-personal method of financial assistance so that leaning on friends and family isn't the only option. I will admit that until this year I didn't have an empathetic sense for the difficulty and insecurity that plague so many people in this country. When I think about just this past week, with one more rejection e-mail that was like hitting the wall, and multiply that by all the people looking for work, that's a lot of pain and struggle.

A common suggestion is that people should work rather than receive public assistance. I have wrestled with that, but it's tough to figure out how to come out ahead in the trade-offs. If I earn some money to stretch my retirement withdrawals, once it gets over $700 a month I would lose Medical Assistance and have to pay for my own insurance again, and get back in the realm of prescription co-pays, exclusions for pre-existing conditions and deductibles. If my income from some part-time work would get up around $1200-1400 a month then I would not qualify for food stamps. By earning something I would end up spending more. Is there a calculator that can figure out the best course of action?

Meanwhile, if you hear of a good full-time job that'll cover my house, car, food, clothing, medical and taxes let me know. And I am willing to ride my bike to work...

A Long Absence, or When Everything Stopped

Some important things stopped for me in the summer of 2012, and it took me a while to even know it. In July I joined that great cloud of witnesses called "the unemployed." That same month, one of my cats started peeing on the furniture, and the vet hoped it was just a UTI, but thought it was probably bladder cancer. When the antibiotic ran its course and blood appeared along with the urine I couldn't see paying for the CT scan, couldn't see continuing to pay $10 a day for pain meds so I chose euthanasia. Even though it was another expense to adopt a new Humane Society kitten, a week after Jazmine's death I thought that would be a good bit of new life. The first kitten got a name "Contessa di Como," Tessa for short, and came in all beautiful, playful and delightful. She wasn't eating the next morning and just died on her cushioned chair early in the afternoon while I was frantically trying to find a vet who would see her.

I was getting into the rhythm of writing -- or thinking about writing -- for this blog; that stopped.
I was keeping up with balancing my checkbook, reviewing my credit card statements, and keeping track of everything in Quicken; that stopped.
I was optimistic about finding a rewarding career sort of job that would pay for my expenses as a homeowner, car owner, etc. Not so much any more.

When I ask Godde what it is I need to do, what Godde wants me to do, the word has been "write" for several months now. I even have had a short list of essay topics in my head, but I didn't start because I wasn't sure why those words would matter. The direction to write is still the answer.

Since I have successfully (I think) done some new things in this self-funded sabbatical--volunteering at a food shelf, becoming a member of the board of directors of a small non-profit focused on climate change, started learning Spanish (which came as another one of those Words from Godde)--I am embarking on doing the writing about those things that have been in my head for several months. The big, church-related topics, probably won't show up here but I do have one piece that I want to try out. OK, I'll post this on go find that saved file.