Before you read the words below, which I wrote in December, I want anyone who reads this to know that my family and friends have been incredibly helpful, above and beyond what I have ever done for anyone else, so this is in no way a criticism of anyone in my circle of family and friends.

Unemployment and the Safety Net

As of July 1 I became one of the unemployed, but I don't know if I am even one of the statistics because my work was not for one of the companies or organizations that provides for unemployment insurance. How does anyone know to count me?

I was aware that the change was coming and had been looking for a new job, albeit with the constraints of spending time preparing for the transition at my current position and having spring/summer yard and garden tasks at home. My first withdrawal from some retirement savings to get me through the first few months was less than I anticipated due to some rules about the account...and it turned out that it was only going to be a loan which I immediately had to begin repaying. "Well,"I thought, "then I'll get some freelance work to supplement," except that the first option didn't pan out and the second didn't have the demand for which I hoped.

I immediately purchased a "bridge plan" for health insurance which didn't cover any pre-existing conditions, but would provide major medical coverage. This meant I began paying full price for my two prescriptions and stayed away from the clinic because anything covered under that three months would then be excluded if I bought another three-month policy. Luckily I was healthy and didn't fall from any ladders. I also continued to carry insurance on my car and my home because it seemed like the right thing to do, even though I wasn't earning any money.

You might ask where my emergency savings (not from retirement, which carries an early withdrawal penalty) were? Single, homeowner, non-profit employment, paying higher portion of health insurance and medical expenses, my car died a few years before I thought it would and I needed a reliable replacement...enough said!

Being optimistic at the beginning of the job search, having gotten affirmation from a career counselor, I didn't think to apply for assistance from my county or state because it wouldn't be long before I was back to work. It turns out I was wrong. In the fall I applied for SNAP (food stamps) and Medical Assistance and they have been life-savers. I receive $200 a month for food and have my medical and dental paid for 100%. It's great to not have those prescriptions come in around $100 each month with no income.

Now I'm ready to see if there's anything else the government can provide since it's December and it seems there are fewer positions I qualify for on the job posting site. Wait a minute, some might say. How about selling that expensive house and moving in with family or friends? Due to the timing of my need for a home, this house cost me more than I can sell it for and I don't know where I'd get the thousands to pay off the mortgage. I have listed a room for rent via an agency that screens potential renters, with no success so far. (In March I did receive energy assistance to pay for my winter heating bills, after applying in early December.)

Why rely on the government (aka taxpayers) when you have family and friends?! I have gotten some assistance from family and friends with some household supplies (which are not covered by SNAP). Meanwhile, I have noticed that some of my friends or family members continue to pay college tuition for their offspring, take international vacations, make home improvements, buy new electronics...and pay the taxes that provide the safety net I need right now. Replacing the income from a full-time, mid-level management job isn't easy.

Would you suggest they forego some of the luxuries and give the money to me instead? That this is how our country should operate? That this mutual support is not a part of the deep values of the U.S. is evidenced by the following: private property (including yards) that can be posted "no trespassing," the right to bear arms being closely tied to the right to protect one's home (a recent shooting of two teens breaking in to a home in MN as evidence), most churches teach tithing (giving 10%) but average closer between 1 and 2% of members' incomes--even a spiritual claim can't overcome the sense that what is mine is mine alone.

And yet, hurricanes, floods, fires and tornados engender outpourings of generosity...for a time. Perhaps we can sustain giving for a moment or an acute crisis, but not for the less visible chronic crises. Since 2008 unemployment has been dire and yet there are no huge public fund raisers nor mobilizations of support. That's why we need a civic, neutral, accessible,  non-personal method of financial assistance so that leaning on friends and family isn't the only option. I will admit that until this year I didn't have an empathetic sense for the difficulty and insecurity that plague so many people in this country. When I think about just this past week, with one more rejection e-mail that was like hitting the wall, and multiply that by all the people looking for work, that's a lot of pain and struggle.

A common suggestion is that people should work rather than receive public assistance. I have wrestled with that, but it's tough to figure out how to come out ahead in the trade-offs. If I earn some money to stretch my retirement withdrawals, once it gets over $700 a month I would lose Medical Assistance and have to pay for my own insurance again, and get back in the realm of prescription co-pays, exclusions for pre-existing conditions and deductibles. If my income from some part-time work would get up around $1200-1400 a month then I would not qualify for food stamps. By earning something I would end up spending more. Is there a calculator that can figure out the best course of action?

Meanwhile, if you hear of a good full-time job that'll cover my house, car, food, clothing, medical and taxes let me know. And I am willing to ride my bike to work...

A Long Absence, or When Everything Stopped

Some important things stopped for me in the summer of 2012, and it took me a while to even know it. In July I joined that great cloud of witnesses called "the unemployed." That same month, one of my cats started peeing on the furniture, and the vet hoped it was just a UTI, but thought it was probably bladder cancer. When the antibiotic ran its course and blood appeared along with the urine I couldn't see paying for the CT scan, couldn't see continuing to pay $10 a day for pain meds so I chose euthanasia. Even though it was another expense to adopt a new Humane Society kitten, a week after Jazmine's death I thought that would be a good bit of new life. The first kitten got a name "Contessa di Como," Tessa for short, and came in all beautiful, playful and delightful. She wasn't eating the next morning and just died on her cushioned chair early in the afternoon while I was frantically trying to find a vet who would see her.

I was getting into the rhythm of writing -- or thinking about writing -- for this blog; that stopped.
I was keeping up with balancing my checkbook, reviewing my credit card statements, and keeping track of everything in Quicken; that stopped.
I was optimistic about finding a rewarding career sort of job that would pay for my expenses as a homeowner, car owner, etc. Not so much any more.

When I ask Godde what it is I need to do, what Godde wants me to do, the word has been "write" for several months now. I even have had a short list of essay topics in my head, but I didn't start because I wasn't sure why those words would matter. The direction to write is still the answer.

Since I have successfully (I think) done some new things in this self-funded sabbatical--volunteering at a food shelf, becoming a member of the board of directors of a small non-profit focused on climate change, started learning Spanish (which came as another one of those Words from Godde)--I am embarking on doing the writing about those things that have been in my head for several months. The big, church-related topics, probably won't show up here but I do have one piece that I want to try out. OK, I'll post this on go find that saved file.

The grass is greener?

Yesterday I was mowing the front yard and forgot to turn off my brain. It wasn't a new train of thought, but seemed to have picked up speed or a new diesel engine. What is it with lawns? Why do we, who have lawns, plant these monocultures that absorb hours of precious time through mowing, weeding, aerating, raking, watering and fertilizing? Maybe you don't do all these things--I'm not either--but I do mow. Here's the question I had not thought of before: who has lawns, historically I mean? I suggest that lawns are an accessory found on the estates of the wealthy, the landed gentry, and so on. So when some American said, "A man's home is his castle," someone else figured they better come with an expanse of high maintenance green. The thing is, those who have the estates of the wealthy hire people to take care of that green stuff!

So here we are with this crazy situation. The ideal is a lush, consistently green carpet of grass, which is basically a monoculture even though there are a few varieties of grass seed mixed in that bag you find at your neighborhood hardware store. Monocultures are hard to maintain because every plant is vulnerable to the same environmental risks or conditions. Then I realized that the only other people who plant monocultures do so to make money by selling that product, or people who want to eat what is produced (perhaps through the intermediary of a grazing animal). So far I haven't heard of any way to have financial gain through the care and feeding of a lawn!

When farmers plant crops to sell, they rotate what's planted to avoid depleting the soil nutrients. In the good old days it used to be a four year rotation, but now it's often just two, with fertilizer taking up the load of what is lost by not having a year of alfalfa growing in a field. Again with the craziness since lawns accept no rotation whatsoever. And did you know that clover used to be acceptable in one's yard until an herbicide was developed that could take out clover and leave the grass? Personally, I like the clover in my yard.

Unfortunately, gardens require just as much, or maybe more, maintenance.

House Church: Step 1

This is my first draft - the first invited participants will help to craft the way the house church will take shape. Eventually this will also be a 'zine...at least that's what I think now!

Vision: Damascus Road United Methodist Church

In a few simple words the writer describes life in the first-century church, where the followers of the Way of Jesus met to learn and practice life in the kingdom (realm, reign) of God.

“They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers” (Acts 2:42).

Just two verses further on, we learn more: “All who believed were together and had all things in common; they would sell their possessions and goods and distribute the proceeds to all, as any had need. Day by day, as they spent much time together in the temple, they broke bread at home and ate their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having the goodwill of all the people” (Acts 2:44-47a).

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s a United Methodist Christian and pastor—now free on Sundays to consider what sort of church I want to be part of—the idea of starting a house church seemed right for this time. I am not alone in this thinking as others have noticed a rising interest in small churches, in “new monasticism” in urban settings, in spending less on property or staff and more on serving with and for neighbors and the world. Part of the United Methodist influence comes in the proposed name. Early in this particular part of Christian history, Methodist chapels were named for the street on which they were built. I thought back to the two-millennia-old story of an awakening, repentance and turning to the way of Jesus that began on the road to Damascus. Our willingness to hear God, to be transformed, renewed and communicate with others is needed now. Perhaps we won’t have to fall off a horse like Paul did on that road, but the truth of Jesus speaking to each of as a risen and living Lord does make an impact!

When the first generations of followers of the Way of Jesus met together they weren’t able to meet in large groups or buildings because the ‘new’ religion was regarded with some superstition and there were periods of persecution. Paul, one messenger of the good news, wrote letters to groups of Christians in cities around the Mediterranean region of the Roman Empire to help them work out how they would live and work and worship. In the book of Acts in the New Testament we learn some of the ways he and others did their teaching and what the new faith communities were like. We can read in some of Paul’s letters that the reality didn’t always live up to those words above from Acts 2. And yet, the power of those small groups became a movement strong enough to sustain people in the face of persecution, even death.

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nough history already…it is fascinating and there are lots of books, letters and documents preserved from those first centuries that you can look up if you wish.

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ere’s what I’m envisioning for this old/new form of being church. A small group will meet together in a home on Sundays at a time chosen by the participants. To start we will meet at my home, which is at 935 Iowa Ave. W., in Saint Paul. This church will be especially open to people who are new to Christian faith or have been away from church for a while.

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ur worship time together will be about an hour, in three parts, beginning with group examen and prayer (thinking back to the previous week with an eye to feeling close to God or distant), moving into conversational/experiential reading and study of a passage from the Bible, and concluding with communion (sharing in the breaking of bread and cup as Jesus did with his disciples). Like the early followers of the Way of Jesus we will gather around the table after worship and eat a simple meal together (potluck style), taking turns providing the main course.

While skipping around reading randomly from my blog list I found this from Julie Clawson on www.julieclawson.com, in her post titled “Worship confession”:

“Is worship simply about encountering God or should it also involve participating in God? Watching a show and being moved to see God seems like a mere shadow of worship compared to making of ourselves living sacrifices and being caught up in the work of God’s kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven….It is only in the messy and faltering attempts to be the body of Christ—to give of ourselves as we are instead of in a role someone expects of us—that I not only experience God but feel that I am participating in God’s work in the world.”

This is what I hope Damascus Road worship can be about, there will be no show to watch, we will be coming together for the beauty of a gathering in the pursuit of faithful lives and “being caught up in the work of God’s kingdom come.”

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n addition to weekly public worship we will set as a goal daily examen, private prayer and/or Bible reading. If someone is in a twelve-step program that daily practice of Big Book devotions, etc., fulfills this of course! Public and private worship is the framework of this house church. There are two more structural elements: serving people who are poor, disenfranchised, imprisoned, hungry and/or homeless in the Twin Cities together at a frequency and place the group will decide upon; and, third, an expectation and practice of generous giving of financial resources using the tradition of the tithe (one-tenth) as a guide. All three practices will support our reorienting of priorities from self to God and the world. We will decide together where to send our financial gifts. It is my hope that we will decide on a project or program that serves in Christ’s name and that we can become knowledgeable about as we watch the impact of our giving.

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he Vision for Damascus Road UM House Church has roots in the Methodist-Wesleyan tradition, brings some Ignatian-Jesuit-Catholic practices into our daily lives and worship (like the examen),* identifies the gathering as GLBTQ-friendly…and cat friendly, proceeds with mutuality in decision-making, holds confidentiality, and respects the spirituality of 12-step programs. *Each household will receive a copy of Sleeping with Bread, which will serve as a guide to what the examen is all about.

I like this guide to communal decision-making. “Confirmation comes after the process of deciding, not before. It is a four-step process: prayer, discernment conversation, decision, and then confirmation. Make the decision first and then see if there is confirmation, not the other way around. If it's not confirmed, you need to go back to the group and work on the decision some more and bring it back out for more holy conversation” (Bob Farr [2011-05-01], Renovate or Die: 10 Ways to Focus Your Church on Mission [Kindle Locations 1552-1555], Abingdon Press, Kindle Edition.)

John 4:23-24 (MSG)

"It's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration."

Pastors' Prayer at Clergy Session

Holy God, You've cast your net and drawn us in to this mess of fish, You've touched our lips with the fire of your love and it burns in our bones, You've called our names as friends and as servants of your church and your world. Our eyes, ears and hearts are catapulted into awareness. Forgive us for times we keep our own nets rolled up, or go too often to our favorite fishing spot, or think we're the ones in charge of sorting the catch. Forgive us for words spoken without conviction, for easy truisms, for times we forget the love that made us, drew us in, called us and kindled gifts within us. Forgive us for the times we don't show up as servant-leaders, when we dial it in, when we draw the world small instead of wide and full of your surprising glory. This call to ordained ministry is marvelous and awful--in the best sense of both words. By your grace, which offers more than we could ever ask or imagine, renew our hearts, restore our spirits, turn us each day to you. For these we receive into our fellowship today, we pray that you will bring strength in weakness, the necessary word in writer's block, light in darkness, clarity in confusion, joy in dailiness, community and love in new places, assurance for doubt, and faithfulness in all things. As the body of Christ, we pray. Amen.

Secret Millionaire

For some reason about a week ago, there were repeated promos for a show called Secret Millionaire. I was knitting while watching TV so was trying to ignore the commercials in general. After the fifth preview of the upcoming show I couldn't take it anymore. In case you missed that night on whatever channel, the premise is that a millionaire goes undercover and slums it among the rest of us with $34 in walking around money for a week. In some ways it's like Undercover Boss I think. At the end there's a big reveal and people like us are thrilled to have been in the presence of a millionaire, and so impressed by her or his humanitarian impulse to leave behind the privileges of wealth. The promo had a soundbite about some millionaire giving $150,000 to a community program...and o-o-oh, what a difference that was going to make. As a pastor and fan of the non-profit world I'm all in favor of charitable giving. But what is it about making so much money via our system of unequal access, privilege and loopholes for the wealthy that gives those with the money the right to determine which needs are valid? This is heightened when it comes to the whole tax-sheltered foundation charitable industrial complex. (Please help with a better name for it!) Putting money into a foundation shelters it from any tax liability, meaning that taxes from that wealth don't flow into the government coffers which provide for the common good (social safety net, education, public safety, environmental regulation, diplomacy, etc., etc.). Instead, having deprived the public of choosing funding via the democratic electoral process, wealthy individuals and families can decide which causes they think are worthy. No one elected them to run programs for the public good! This dynamic is present in the US and around the world. The Gates Foundation is addressing some huge needs in Africa, for example: malaria, HIV, women's education. There's some attention to infrastructure, but very little I'm assuming to equalizing the playing field in developmental innovation for those countries. It's the exceptionalism that concerns me, and how that's fostered by shows like Secret Millionaire and Undercover Boss. Those shows are small potatoes compared to the non-elected rule exercised by multi-national corporations, their CEOs and the foundations that keep wealth under their control.

Cypress Watch

Even though we humans get caught time after time with 20/20 hindsight, it's hard to move from short-term to long-term thinking. This happens to me when I make a plan to get up early and go to the Y three times a week for the future goal of being fitness-ready for biking, and then more immediate thoughts of sleeping in for another half hour take precedence. Or, that container of chocolate chip cookie dough looks good now, and I forget my one sugar treat a week goal. I smile now as I resolve one more time to be loving and encouraging of myself even if I feel like a middle-aged matron! When the circle of long-term avoidance goes global it's more of a concern. The consequences are vast. Each spring I see mountains of cypress mulch and am reminded of how actions separated from consequences can be destructive. When Hurricane Katrina devastated the Gulf Coast some of the damage came from the loss of cypress forests protecting coastal areas. A study tells us that a cypress grove reduces the force of a storm surge by 90%. And yet, logging is taking that protection away. No human-made levees can take the place of what nature has put in place. There is no way the market value of bags of mulch at your local hardware store or garden center can compensate for what is lost in the long term. Look for another option for your gardens and love our home well.